Thanks Chester … I owe you more than one life …

In the words of my 19-year-old son “This is the first celebrity death that truly affects me personally.”

Me too, Kiddo.

When I was Numb from the pain, fear and confusion in my abusive relationship, my world closed in around me … and Chester was there to put the words to my silent scream.  I would sit in the driveway in my car and cry while I listened to the lyrics at full blast.  Someone else understood my pain.

I still hadn’t figured out that I was living the nightmarish cycle of abuse, but I knew I couldn’t do anything right.  If I did what I asked, fault was found in something else.  It was a never ending spin of me trying to make both of us happy.

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus:]
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.

I turned my hate onto myself and wallowed in misery.  I had Given Up.

Wake in a sweat again
Another day’s been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape
I’m my own worst enemy
I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!

I don’t know what to take
Thought I was focused, but I’m scared
I’m not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow, somewhere
And no one cares
I’m my own worst enemy

I pushed back.  But I still thought I could fix it.  It wasn’t for the Faint of heart.

[Mike Shinoda:]
I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everyone can see these scars
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
But it’s like no matter what I do, I can’t convince you, to just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I’m not
But I’ll be here ’cause you’re all that I got

[Chester Bennington:]
I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored

During the turbulent times, I went from confusion to tightly wound, so I took to running to relieve my stress.  Sometimes I would Bleed It Out on the pavement, pounding the shit out of my running shoes instead of pounding my head against the wall.

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out

I’ve opened up these scars
I’ll make you face this

I’ve pulled myself so far
I’ll make you face this now!

Once, I ran through a large group of high school students on their lunch out.  One guy reached out and pulled another guy out of my path saying “Holy shit did you see her face?  She was fucking mad!”  You betcha. Get out of my way.

As I got One Step Closer to the brink of breaking from abuse, I became enraged.  Speeding through life almost daring myself to die and end the pain.   I’d fly over the roads praying for a Humber Bump to get me airborne.  My guardian angels worked overtime.

I cannot take this anymore
Saying everything I’ve said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you’ll say
You’ll find that out anyway

Just like before…

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
I’m about to break

I began to find my voice and lash out, pushing us to the brink of insanity.  I would give him a taste of his own abusive medicine.  And I fucked with his head.

Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up
Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up
I’m about to break!

And as I rebelled, I became as hardcore as Wretches and Kings.

To save face / how low can you go
Talk a lot of game but yet you don’t know
Static on the way / make us all say whoa
The people up top push the people down low
Get down
And obey every word
Steady getting mine if you haven’t yet heard
Wanna take what I got / don’t be absurd
Don’t fight the power / nobody gets hurt
If you haven’t heard yet then I’m letting you know
There ain’t shit we don’t run when the guns unload
And no one make a move unless my people say so
Got everything outta control
Now everybody go

Steel unload / final blow
We the animals take control
Hear us now / clear and true
Wretches and kings we come for you

The video for Somewhere I Belong has Transformers … and I worried about my son.  He deserved more.

[Mike Shinoda (Chester Bennington):]

I had nothing to say
And I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chester Bennington:]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain ’til it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I got to hear my young son play guitar in band and sing backup to What I’ve Done.

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I wanted to Runaway.

Graffiti decorations
Under a sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learn were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

[Chester Bennington (Mike Shinoda):]
Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association

I was broken and In Pieces.

Telling me to go
But hands beg me to stay
Your lips say that you love
Your eyes say that you hate
There’s truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
What you build you lay to waste
There’s truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
All I’ve got’s what you didn’t take
So I, I won’t be the one
Be the one to leave this
In pieces
And you, you will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets
Don’t lie
You promise me the sky
Then toss me like a stone
You wrap me in your arms
And chill me to the bone

And I was finally ready to Leave Out All the Rest

I didn’t want to be consumed by the hatred that had swallowed him.  I was ready to fly.

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
‘Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here?

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can’t be who you are

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are

And I finally said goodbye.  I sat on the bare floor in an empty rented apartment with a bottle of red wine and listened to the Shadow of the Day

I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away

Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way

[Chorus]
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you

And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey

And the sun will set for you
[End Chorus]

And I watched my life unravel … it stopped.  It started.  It began again.  Waiting for the End

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
And though the words sound steady something empty’s within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there
‘Cause we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we get it, forget it, let it all disappear

[Chester:]
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It’s out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It’s hard to let you go

(Oh) I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn’t so

(Oh) I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got

(Yeah, yeah!)

[Mike:]
What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on
And I don’t even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I’m picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh…

[Chester (’til end):]
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got
I’m holding on to what I haven’t got
I’m holding on to what I haven’t got

[Mike:]
This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
(I’m holding on to what I haven’t got) But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty’s within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there
(Holding on to what I haven’t got) ‘Cause we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we get it, forget it, let it all disappear

And if you only knew what I did to cross the New Divide

I remember black skies
The lightning all around me
I remember each flash
As time began to blur
Like a startling sign
That fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross
The distance in your eyes
Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect this space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide
There was nothing inside
The memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide
The ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in
Between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

But In the End  it doesn’t even matter.

It starts with one thing
I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but you didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me
Will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To remind myself of a time when
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end
You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

Thanks for carrying me through the fires of hell and back out the gate on the other side, Chester.  I only wish you knew how many you helped save … and that someone could have saved you.

My condolences to your family, friends, and fans everywhere.

You will be missed and remembered,

Lisa

Read the Fox Blog:  hear what the Fox really has to say

© Lisa Jobson 2017

All songs, lyrics and photo are the property of Linkin Park.

 

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Thank You for writing this. I wanted to write something similar and just couldn’t grasp the words to explain the pain those exact lyrics you shared had helped me survive. I am also the survivor of abuse.
    Thank you again for sharing THIS.

    Liked by 1 person

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