Thanks Chester … I owe you more than one life …

Please.  Make suicide something we can discuss in normal conversation so that no one else has to die by their own hands.

#letstalksuicide

In the words of my 19-year-old son “This is the first celebrity death that truly affects me personally.”

Me too, Kiddo.

When I was Numb from the pain, fear and confusion in my abusive relationship, my world closed in around me … and Chester was there to put the words to my silent scream.  I would sit in the driveway in my car and cry while I listened to the lyrics at full blast.  Someone else understood my pain.

I still hadn’t figured out that I was living the nightmare with an abusive man, but I knew I couldn’t do anything to to please him.  If I did what he asked, he found fault in something else.  It was a never ending cycle of me trying to make both of us happy.

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus:]
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.

I turned my hate onto myself and wallowed in misery.  I had Given Up.

Wake in a sweat again
Another day’s been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape
I’m my own worst enemy
I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!

I don’t know what to take
Thought I was focused, but I’m scared
I’m not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow, somewhere
And no one cares
I’m my own worst enemy

I pushed back.  But I still thought I could fix it.  It wasn’t for the Faint of heart.

[Mike Shinoda:]
I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everyone can see these scars
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
But it’s like no matter what I do, I can’t convince you, to just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I’m not
But I’ll be here ’cause you’re all that I got

[Chester Bennington:]
I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored

During the turbulent times, I went from confusion to tightly wound, so I took to running to relieve my stress.  Sometimes I would Bleed It Out on the pavement, pounding the shit out of my running shoes instead of pounding my head against the wall.

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out

I’ve opened up these scars
I’ll make you face this

I’ve pulled myself so far
I’ll make you face this now!

Once, I ran through a large group of high school students on their lunch out.  One guy reached out and pulled another guy out of my path saying “Holy shit did you see her face?  She was fucking mad!”  You betcha. Get out of my way.

As I got One Step Closer to the brink of breaking from abuse, I became enraged.  Speeding through life almost daring myself to die and end the pain.   I’d fly over the roads praying for a Humber Bump to get me airborne.  My guardian angels worked overtime.

I cannot take this anymore
Saying everything I’ve said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you’ll say
You’ll find that out anyway

Just like before…

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
I’m about to break

I began to find my voice and lash out at him, pushing him to the brink of insanity.  I would give him a taste of his own abusive medicine.  And I fucked with his head.

Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up
Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up
I’m about to break!

And as I rebelled, I became as hardcore as Wretches and Kings.

To save face / how low can you go
Talk a lot of game but yet you don’t know
Static on the way / make us all say whoa
The people up top push the people down low
Get down
And obey every word
Steady getting mine if you haven’t yet heard
Wanna take what I got / don’t be absurd
Don’t fight the power / nobody gets hurt
If you haven’t heard yet then I’m letting you know
There ain’t shit we don’t run when the guns unload
And no one make a move unless my people say so
Got everything outta control
Now everybody go

Steel unload / final blow
We the animals take control
Hear us now / clear and true
Wretches and kings we come for you

The video for Somewhere I Belong has Transformers … and I worried about my son stuck in the middle of the our hate.  He deserved to belong to a whole and happy family

[Mike Shinoda (Chester Bennington):]

I had nothing to say
And I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chester Bennington:]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain ’til it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I got to hear my young son play guitar in band and sing backup to What I’ve Done.

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

And I was finally ready to Leave Out All the Rest

I didn’t want to be consumed by the hatred that had swallowed him.  I was ready to fly.

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
‘Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here?

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can’t be who you are

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are

And I finally said goodbye to my abusive ex.  I sat on the bare floor in an empty rented apartment with a bottle of red wine and listened to the Shadow of the Day

I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away

Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way

[Chorus]
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you

And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey

And the sun will set for you
[End Chorus]

And I watched my life unravel … it stopped.  It started.  It began again.  Waiting for the End

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
And though the words sound steady something empty’s within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there
‘Cause we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we get it, forget it, let it all disappear

[Chester:]
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It’s out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It’s hard to let you go

(Oh) I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn’t so

(Oh) I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got

(Yeah, yeah!)

[Mike:]
What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on
And I don’t even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I’m picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh…

[Chester (’til end):]
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got
I’m holding on to what I haven’t got
I’m holding on to what I haven’t got

[Mike:]
This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
(I’m holding on to what I haven’t got) But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty’s within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there
(Holding on to what I haven’t got) ‘Cause we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we get it, forget it, let it all disappear

Thanks for carrying me through the fires of hell and back out the gate on the other side, Chester.  I only wish you knew how many you helped save … and that someone could have saved you.

My condolences to your family, friends, and fans everywhere.

You will be missed and remembered,

Lisa

Read the Fox Blog:  hear what the Fox really has to say

© Lisa Jobson 2017

All songs, lyrics and photo are the property of Linkin Park.

 

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